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In All Colors Singing Back

by Kye Alfred Hillig

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1.
Waking up in love in your holy chains Hand to God I'm hoping that I never escape Pull myself together just to look at you The treasure of forever fell asleep in my youth Kinda makes me wonder how you're living now Your lovers built of ashes and the wind blows south Legs crossed living room the bodies gasp The steam of dreams came rising right off of my back And if you give me a moment I'll find my way back to you The pond was the pool where we used to swim Where the ghost of old Summers keeps diving in How I hated my face like a traitor's gaze But I aimed it at you hopelessly just the same Don't you turn away there's a way out now Couldn't find it before, but we got around I wanna love you, darling, but my heart is bent Tuned the harp for the angels Don't know where they went And if you give me a moment I'll find my way back to you But me I want the real thing Take my body Take my soul Giving up on holding on to you Leaning in to letting go Beating up the piano like I'm Mozart now Neighbors slam the windows Try and drown me out But I'm crying out haunted Done being alone I'd move back to the mountain, but the mountain will blow Left the heartbreak years back stuck in the ash Burned the town to the ground Now it's all in the past Sicced all of your dogs on my stumbling joy Barely got out to sing about being destroyed And if you give me a moment I'll find my way back to you
2.
Summer drunk along the lake When you move too fast you make mistakes I apologized I set the bone I lock the door now whenever I leave home Built barricades behind the eyes Then to your arms brought back to life Safe surrender Coming out slow Hands raised high Been unarmed since I remember Forgotten love, save my life Forgotten love, save my life You fall in love You disappear A youthful face in the rearview mirror Shiver from the warmth the closer you got But I'm giving up now on my lesser gods Don't I always run? Born afraid And you don't know the life you saved Safe surrender Coming out slow Hands raised high Been unarmed since I remember Forgotten love, save my life Forgotten love, save my life Safe surrender Safe surrender Safe surrender Safe Surrender Safe surrender Coming out slow Hands raised high Been unarmed since I remember Forgotten love, save my life Forgotten love, save my life
3.
Rescue Boats 03:21
I don't know why it's so hard to tell you Why it's so hard to say that I'm lost…that I'm lost That I cannot find my way And I'm running out of reasons Out of lies to tell myself That I'll find help That I'll get out That it's just the way I felt And I know it's coming for me But I can't see it from here I've been drowning here forever Waiting for the rescue to appear And you tell me when you see me that it seems I'm doing fine But inside my chest, an unwelcome guest is tearing up my mind And begging for him to leave Dying to see him go But he's moving in the darker wind Making my heart his home And I know it's coming for me But I can't see it from here I've been drowning here forever Waiting for the rescue to appear Way out! Where I've been waiting Say now! In the distance sail to me Godspeed Way out! Put those oars in water Say now! As the day grows longer please come rescue me And I know it's coming for me But I can't see it from here I've been drowning here forever Waiting for the rescue to appear
4.
Drive Away 05:41
They say saw you on Sunday Your heart just rattling loose Hair rolled up in a herringbone Cigarette smoke just rising off of you They asked me whatever happened to the sweet love that we shared I told them love can be a magic trick Blink and nothing is there Hey, I don't know if you've ever been in love before First love arrived like a meteor across the sky Gone before the morning sun She told me she could not carry on Poor me, what could I say? She starts the car and she drives away She drives away Now and then I'd hear about you They say you're getting divorced Took your halo laundry mat, But couldn't get out the dirt And it's true that I never made it But I never quit the band I just kept playing my music In case you ever wanted to dance Hey, I don't know if you've ever been in love before First love arrived like a meteor across the sky Gone before the morning sun She told me she could not carry on Poor me, what could I say? She starts the car and she drives away She drives away I was getting tired in Ashland Couldn't start up the car Took a walk under the cold, dead moon And found my way to the park I heard familiar weeping from the bench of brighter days I touched your shoulder in disbelief And you turned to me and say "Hey, I don't know if you've ever been in love before First love sometimes lasts for an entire life" And we watched the morning sun like it had never gone Glory be, what can I say? She starts the car and we drive away We drive away
5.
The Moonlight Hotel after the war Flowers in the lobby Locks off the doors The elevator climbs all the way to the roof Survey the city Everything is new Once you've dated violence you'll marry peace It's singing from the faces of the people in the street And the river through the heart of it flows different every day But the memories of the killing never quite fade away But The Moonlight Hotel invites everybody in They say they have no enemies Everyone's a friend to them And they make up your bed the way a lotus will bloom And they carry your bags up to your room Thousands of temples fell to the bombs From those rubbled ruins rose the people of Vietnam A heart full of love from a world of pain Welcoming their guests to come in from the rain And what you might see as weakness they know as strength To be kind in the face of cruelty Cruelty is the coward's way And the river through the heart of it flows different every day But the memories of the killing never quite fade away But The Moonlight Hotel invites everybody in They say they have no enemies Everyone's a friend to them And they make up your bed the way a lotus will bloom And they carry your bags up to your room And the river through the heart of it flows different every day But the memories of the killing never quite fade away But The Moonlight Hotel invites everybody in They say they have no enemies Everyone's a friend to them And they make up your bed the way a lotus will bloom And they carry your bags up to your room
6.
Birdbath 03:29
I chase a ghost only I can see Through grocery lines and anniversaries The old laugh carved away This silent house left in it's place Your loving warmth Your gorgeous smile Starts to fade after a while Out in our yard in the dying grass There ain't no birds in the birdbath And all the days filled with nights Stars can't shine through I'm looking out I'm looking out I just can't find you No control No wedding vow Can hold in place what's missing now Oh holy love, one more taste Before you take it all away All we hold The love we find Lost in the fire The fire of time Only death with magician's cloak Hides precious life that once was known And all the days filled with nights Stars can't shine through I'm looking out I'm looking out I just can't find you Looking out one Summer day Into the yard that we made I start to cry Almost drop my glass Two beautiful birds sitting on the bath
7.
Stumbling into Portland in the rain Thinking that I'd finally had it And I just can't ever seem to escape Something in your eyes got me like an addict Rented a room above the bookstore Get along voices running late Milk crates full of records and a mattress on the floor A foreign country: Portland in the rain Portland in the rain Your bra just dangled from a hook inside the door Like a sudden ghost town empty of your form And making love is an aching memory Your little sounds and your body heat I wish I'd been one of your secrets A place you went to be yourself I sing out loud like I hope you'll hear it Things I never said, but only felt Portland in the rain An abandoned dog just running hungry For your legs crossed in a dress I'm so consumed when the stomach's empty Wishing handfuls of your flesh And smiling back to me in pictures Frozen in time inside a frame But you go and move in with your sisters And I move to Portland in the rain Portland in the rain
8.
Oh I saw your paintings Still moments from your life Crossed out 'small fortunes' Wrote in 'name your price' Oh you're set to carry Maybe it is twins One that brings the morning One that drags the night time in You post about it on your wall like you took a stand No you don't No you don't No you don't give a damn Flies around the carcass Crocus in the yard Drank morning's cup of coffee in total disregard You say no man's an island Well, you could have fooled me Spelled 'help' out of coconuts But still it goes unseen Talk down on my brother like he's also not a man No you don't No you don't No you don't give a damn You nod along to nothing You never understand No you don't No you don't No you don't give a damn Oh fallen angel fell right into the snow And I fell down right beside her so she wouldn't be alone Oh your laundry on the hook It sweetens up the air I circle back for a second pass and fall into the chair The world outside your window remains an unseen land No you don't No you don't No you don't give a damn A wave upon the ocean- crash into the sand No you don't No you don't No you don't give a damn
9.
New Haven 04:01
The seaside motel after the tourists leave I feel like I know you well I feel like you know me Why did we wait so long? Every spill has left a stain What were we ashamed of? I'm helpless when you call my name Don't just stand there letting all the time escape Come a little closer, girl Show me that you feel the same Making out Getting undressed as the twilight sunset fades Darling, won't you tell the truth Tell me what you really want All the things you shouldn't do Come on, let's get it done I'm done being strangers Haven't you always known me? Intertwine our fingers I'm done being lonely Don't just stand there letting all the time escape Come a little closer, girl Show me that you feel the same Making out Getting undressed as the twilight sunset fades The length of your naked back The hungry smile of the lonely years Hot water filling up the bath Oh we finally made it here The water rushing through our lives The dam's about to break Let's live in this new town Let the flood wash the past away Don't just stand there letting all the time escape Come a little closer, girl Show me that you feel the same Making out Getting undressed as the twilight sunset fades
10.
Smoke Tree 04:41
You're still pulling me away A tree that's made of smoke All I did is pray Slip God into the throat Get a sitter for the kids Be demons in the dark Spill blood into the water Spill blood into my heart Darling, make a wish only I will know Every smile Every kiss Back closer to the door Don't drown out there alone Swimming endlessly Frozen to the bone The fire's here with me Jackets in the rain Whisper another life Love can be a scream you drive into the night Do I starve outside your wealth? Stand hungry just to feed? Break me from the church Steal me while I'm breathing Still tugging at the straps Still slipping off your jeans Stacking up the scalps Lie down in the weeds Don't drown out there alone Swimming endlessly Frozen to the bone The fire's here with me Stumble into morning Beat me while I'm weak The garden's damn near glowing The smoke comes from the tree
11.
Call the police Tell them they'd better bring their guns Let them come for me The door's unlocked and my heart's undone Today's the day I throw my own going away Walked in on my own Carve my name on my own gravestone They're going to have to carry me out They're going to have to put me down In a final wave, take my life away Oh forsaken dream, release me The body is tired Never knew love even as a child I just don't see the way that others believe Never found a home Other people make me feel alone Death, I won't hide What's left ain't worth the life They're going to have to carry me out They're going to have to put me down In a final wave, take my life away Oh forsaken dream, release me And I was waiting for an angel of peace But I'll go find her once the life is gone from me The sirens closer- a song my heart can hear In the mirror- my smile that I haven't seen in years They're going to have to carry me out They're going to have to put me down In a final wave, take my life away Oh forsaken dream, release me
12.
The empty house where your dresses hung Where we were making love when we were young Strike it from your mind Don't look back to see how bad it can get It won't be long before a different life Little baby birds taking to the sky Don't turn around Stay gone Erase the memory Oh I was never born And aren't you glad you got away? Stack up the years Stare at the waves I have to admit I have to admit It's almost the end It's almost the end It's almost the end It's almost the end The fallow, shipped-wrecked dream never set sail I sat waiting for the post, but got no mail I thought you'd write, but the silence said it all Didn't want me in your life Sat waiting in the hall There's gotta be a better way to end than this Before the curtain falls Before the final kiss When you come running in after all these years: "Oh darling, what the hell are you doing here?" "I don't why I'm with tears in my eyes I just couldn't let you go before I said goodbye I just had to tell the truth I couldn't have gone without you I couldn't have gone without you I couldn't have gone without you I couldn't have gone without you" I have to admit I have to admit It's almost the end It's almost the end It's almost the end It's almost the end
13.
I could see you coming from a mile off Dripping wet with self-esteem Broke your lovers easily But you're walking trail of broken hearts A bear-trap in the woods of love A kiss you should be careful of Don't call me Heaven Hell, you don't even know who I am 'Til I started confessing all of the lives that I've lived Stop what you're thinking I've stumbled through the darkness, kid Don't call me Heaven till you've walked through my fire and lived Don't know what you're seeing when you look my way But I'm a stranger even to myself So how is it you see me now? A wolf knows the taste of the sheepish kind Dust the scene and pull for prints Before you put your heart in this Don't call me Heaven Hell, you don't even know who I am 'Til I started confessing all of the lives that I've lived Stop what you're thinking I've stumbled through the darkness, kid Don't call me Heaven till you've walked through my fire and lived And maybe you've been around the block But you haven't been in my neighborhood What you see as a forest Might be firewood Don't call me Heaven Hell, you don't even know who I am 'Til I started confessing all of the lives that I've lived Stop what you're thinking I've stumbled through the darkness, kid Don't call me Heaven till you've walked through my fire and lived
14.
Rattling on Running your mouth You think you know better than everyone else All roads lead to death But you can't give All of the things you don't see Could fill up infinity Wield all of your nothing like a sword And maybe I'll go easy on you Who knows what brought you here tonight And if I hear you I might change my point of view I'm just as wrong as I am right Opinions aren't worth a lot out beyond the clock I'm thinking of giving up on mine The story you told You're sure that it's true You're a perfect system that justice flows through Fine-tuned to deliver the word of God All that we hold- a fading laugh Every person made of their past Hung inside the gallows of your heart And maybe I'll go easy on you Who knows what brought you here tonight And if I hear you I might change my point of view I'm just as wrong as I am right Opinions aren't worth a lot out beyond the clock I'm thinking of giving up on mine And maybe I'll go easy on you Who knows what brought you here tonight And if I hear you I might change my point of view I'm just as wrong as I am right Opinions aren't worth a lot out beyond the clock I'm thinking of giving up on mine
15.
Maybe there's a way we can make this work Maybe there's a way I can deserve your love If I could be enough Tied down too long to think about getting up Maybe are you somewhere out there now regretting your life Have you miss out on me? Were you a bride to be? Hang up your dress You know it's time to leave Maybe I'm way out Out of bounds Maybe I'm too late One more minute, please! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're thinking about me Before you go hold me one more time What we both know, but neither of us will say The words evaporate Go back inside and dance the night away Taking me up into your room Standing so close I feel that I could break The moment just hangs Before I know it I'm gone the way I came Maybe I'm way out Out of bounds Maybe I'm too late One more minute, please! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're thinking about me Maybe I'm way out Out of bounds Maybe I'm too late One more minute, please! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're thinking about me I've known you since we both were kids We'd laugh at dying and you'd keep giving me shit You just wouldn't quit You tried to open up I don't know why I hid Maybe love is just an endless game Never in your arms, but always in your gaze A mirage sustained You think you'll make it to the water, but the water never came Maybe I'm way out Out of bounds Maybe I'm too late One more minute, please! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're thinking about me
16.
Tomorrow, you say, might never come your way Like all your hopes and dreams will never call Listen to me, I don't know everything But all the evil rising up will fall Oh fare thee well, all the broken hearts Seems like you could stand them in a line that stretches on forever Friend, we're in this together And all of your pain is also mine No matter what came you can leave it behind Tomorrow the sun is gonna rise And beyond the clouds there's a pure blue sky And tomorrow the sun is gonna rise Looks like someone else is doing better than you Taking all the love you'll never have Well let me introduce to you the person you thought you knew Turns out inside they're just as sad No matter what came you can leave it behind Tomorrow the sun is gonna rise And beyond the clouds there's a pure blue sky And tomorrow the sun is gonna rise No matter what came you can leave it behind Tomorrow the sun is gonna rise And beyond the clouds there's a pure blue sky And tomorrow the sun is gonna rise All of my life I tried to be someone else Someone you wanted me to be Now I don't give a damn I'm proud of who I am My life is so much better that I'm me No matter what came you can leave it behind Tomorrow the sun is gonna rise And beyond the clouds there's a pure blue sky And tomorrow the sun is gonna rise
17.
She swam down in the lake as if nothing had changed But as soon as we locked our eyes: strangers no more in life Down at the old cafe and they all know my name And I never saw a place for myself before today But you throw the door open wide Fireworks in the evening sky And I'm going to practice medicine until I get you well again Home Looks like I'm finally home No more days alone Home Don't know how I didn't see Life's a dance come dance with me Driving out passed the longleaf trees Looking over, you laugh at me How did one man get so much luck? Windows down inside your truck It's not turning out the way I planned It's even better than all of my hopes and dreams Your eyes calm a storm in me We danced in the city square Under the stars at the county fair And you never let go of me Swayed with you one-two-three Home Looks like I'm finally home No more days alone Home Don't know how I didn't see Life's a dance come dance with me When my car broke down in this unknown place Ran over the fence the Judge had made I didn't hear the song of this town But I sure am singing it now And you drive the ambulance Pull around and park for lunch Seems like it never broke your smile Brought it home to your only child and me waiting on your porch Iced tea when you get off work Leave the bad times in the past Looks like we're free at last Home Looks like I'm finally home No more days alone Home Don't know how I didn't see Life's a dance come dance with me Life's a dance come dance with me Life's a dance come dance with me Life's a dance come dance with me
18.
If you saw what she gave up it wouldn't make any sense The things she does for love and the little that she gets Night and day the children are pulling at her clothes Her husband comes home quiet and is asleep before she knows And the Gods of Rita never stop making demands Everything inside her world is beyond her command And nobody will help her They let her do all the work And the Gods of Rita they lay the weight on her "And what do you want for dinner?" "I'm sure whatever you're making is fine" Spinning toys and honking horns and the violence of the mind Wine in the evening after everyone goes to bed In the mirror stares her mother carrying the silent death And the Gods of Rita never stop making demands Everything inside her world is beyond her command And nobody will help her They let her do all the work And the Gods of Rita they lay the weight on her She struggles to talk about it They never seem to hear If she's angry then she's crazy And if she's crazy they don't want her near Someday she's getting out of here But she doesn't yet know-how Somebody's got to love her But who can see her now? And the Gods of Rita never stop making demands Everything inside her world is beyond her command And nobody will help her They let her do all the work And the Gods of Rita they lay the weight on her
19.
Threw all my change in a public fountain What grew out of the water was a currency mountain Couldn't climb all the wishes Just fell down doubting Scraps to the floor The food that I seek Who whines like a dog, but can't roll over and speak? Playing dead to the world until you revived me Perpetual night filled up with decoys The light of your love makes the sun unemployed I haven't laughed in a while, but now I'm a child- oh boy! The light of your love makes the sun unemployed The light of your love makes the sun unemployed Film us together staring at the stars Can't get to the magic trapped behind the bars Name the documentary 'True Love Starving' Before I met you I never felt like a spouse Saved every spoon to dig a tunnel out What kind of ghost moves to a haunted house? Perpetual night filled up with decoys The light of your love makes the sun unemployed I haven't laughed in a while, but now I'm a child- oh boy! The light of your love makes the sun unemployed The light of your love makes the sun unemployed Maybe just wait Does the sun rise on everyone? Were the wishes you Made Just a horse with blinders on? Perpetual night filled up with decoys The light of your love makes the sun unemployed I haven't laughed in a while, but now I'm a child- oh boy! The light of your love makes the sun unemployed The light of your love makes the sun unemployed
20.
Plenty of advice Damn near drowning in your diatribe I exit through the entrance Did you just exist in the pictures? Like an unspooling reel of a film of grieving sisters But upon the mountain have you noticed? A quiet pervades outside of your showbiz Lift the rock- bugs will scatter Like they're looking for God in a world where nothing matters But I can't go on I don't know how you're doing it But you must be strong Or an actor of some merit I've just never belonged There is nowhere I've ever fit in Been on the outside Fell down the downside Over and over and over and over again Where does it begin? Damn near the ending Don't spoil it through So much joy in the pretending You say you don't understand how I'm not famous Like you can fuck your way to a heart that's free and painless You clean the tub- scrub the dishes There's no more than this though Despite your fear of missing I'll race you to Heaven on a horse made of rain We'll just evaporate the way that we came But I can't go on I don't know how you're doing it But you must be strong Or an actor of some merit I've just never belonged There is nowhere I've ever fit in Been on the outside Fell down the downside Over and over and over and over again You say you want peace on Earth Well, with whom does that begin? You just ramble like a babbling brook, brother Till the Earth takes you back again But I can't go on I don't know how you're doing it But you must be strong Or an actor of some merit I've just never belonged There is nowhere I've ever fit in Been on the outside Fell down the downside Over and over and over and over again
21.
I could turn a river to a desert I could turn love into disease I could turn around to glory But I'm walking towards defeat Don't even try to stop me I told God I don't believe I kept the receipt on redemption What the hell is wrong with me? You could dance to the music But I death rattle through the song They might invite me to the brotherhood But I'll never belong There's a hole so deep inside the bottom can't be reached I can't find my own intentions What the hell is wrong with me? I don't paint a pretty picture of my neighbor's overdose But I saw him swimming with his kids And it seemed like they were close And sometimes he would wave to me And sometimes I'd wave back But now he's gone I knew it all along The black hole cul-de-sac Birds are flying cancer Your words are creaking gates Someone precious lied to me And told me I'd be great You could tell me that I'm gorgeous But I won't ever see Just a maker of bad memories What the hell is wrong with me? I could turn a river to a desert I could turn love into disease I could turn around to glory But I'm walking towards defeat Don't even try to stop me I told God I don't believe I kept the receipt on redemption What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me?
22.
The only thing I've wanted gone slipping through my hands You were out to the movies Dating Charlie Seeing Brad But I'm sick of all the stories I'm sick of sitting in back rows Just watching them get close to you Taking the love I'll never know Oh I thought that I could stay here And watch you as you dance But the truth is, Darling Tonight I just can't Oh I thought I could take the high road Sit back as you changed hands I'm sorry I'm so sorry Tonight I just can't I've seen the dream of you and me beaten black and blue I've tortured scenes of passion screams of them making love to you I can't call you a neighbor I can't call you a friend I can't call you on the phone You won't be back till 5am Oh I thought that I could stay here And watch you as you dance But the truth is, Darling Tonight I just can't Oh I thought I could take the high road Sit back as you changed hands I'm sorry I'm so sorry Tonight I just can't I could live in worlds of wonder of a time that I can't find I could sit here and lie to you And for some that might work fine But me I want the real thing Take my body take my soul Giving up on holding on to you Leaning in to letting go Oh I thought that I could stay here And watch you as you dance But the truth is, Darling Tonight I just can't Oh I thought I could take the high road Sit back as you changed hands I'm sorry I'm so sorry Tonight I just can't
23.
Heaven full of Summer stars Closing out your favorite bars Things that you confessed to me Would have made your mother scream Ain't like she ain't been there too Now I'm going there with you This ain't the first time I've had a bad idea Tore a hole in the night loud enough for God to hear Got the wrong end of a machete I've been holding on for years Come on take me if you're ready to get out of here Come on take me if you're ready to get out of here We flipped the squad car upside-down Kissing killers run out of town It's you that I've been counting on We listen to the river run Lull me back to bed The deep well of regret I hear a crying dog… That's the sound of my heart That's the sound of my heart That's the sound of my heart That's the sound of my heart This ain't the first time I've had a bad idea Tore a hole in the night loud enough for God to hear Got the wrong end of a machete I've been holding on for years Come on take me if you're ready to get out of here Come on take me if you're ready to get out of here This ain't the first time I've had a bad idea Tore a hole in the night loud enough for God to hear Got the wrong end of a machete I've been holding on for years Come on take me if you're ready to get out of here Come on take me if you're ready to get out of here
24.
Someone told me I was wrong So I told them they were right Best cut to the chase or we'll be at this all night Oh, what's become of me? Did I get close to my dreams Or did I scare it off when I got a job when I was seventeen? And you won't want to hear this You've planned your name written out in lights But we aren't all bound for greatness And me, I think that it's fine But perhaps you'd prefer a lie What did you want to be? Did you think you'd touch the moon Yeah, I know how you feel I thought that I would get there too But what's wrong with this life? Why's the answer always more? When our days are sick with beauty from the ceiling to the floor And you won't want to hear this You've planned your name written out in lights But we aren't all bound for greatness And me, I think that it's fine But perhaps you'd prefer a lie And in the winter of your life Who will be by your bedside? All the money that you made or a familiar face saying, "Everything's alright" Go walkout in the trees Go stand beside the sea And tell me you didn't get all for which you wished That this isn't everything And you won't want to hear this You've planned your name written out in lights But we aren't all bound for greatness And me, I think that it's fine But perhaps you'd prefer a lie

about

“It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
-Louise Erdrich from The Painted Drum

credits

released March 3, 2022

All songs written by Kye Alfred Hillig.

Produced by James Holden Resch. Recorded and mixed at The Loft in Buckley, WA from August 2020-February 2022. Mastered by Rachel Field at Resonant Mastering in February 2022.

Additional musicians:

James Holden Resch
Dave Britt
Aaron Lopez
Grace Hope
Nate Henry Henry
Pete Jordan

Cover Art and Album Design by Barry Blankenship.

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Kye Alfred Hillig Tacoma, Washington

Lost his family in a house fire, but saved his guitar. Plays songs his family’s never heard. (Tacoma, WA Singer-Songwriter)

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